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Creating a Happy Marriage and Loving Relationship Course

Relationship building skills in marriage, love, listening, dating, sex, couples counseling and relationship coaching
Instructor:
Roger Kay Allen, Ph.D.
1,653 students enrolled
English
The five stages of marital satisfaction
How to replace negative and toxic patterns of interaction with actions that build unity
Greater respect and love for your spouse
Practices to build positive feelings and friendship
Differences between women and men and how to better meet your spouse’s needs
How to strengthen your marriage by taking responsibility for yourself
How to have more open and vulnerable communication
Skills to handle disagreements and conflict so you both win
The mindset and communication skills to have a great sexual relationship
A shared vision of the future, including creation of your marriage “Coat of Arms”

Hi and welcome to my course to teach you how to build a great relationship.

For most couples, building a happy and successful relationship is a difficult journey. You’re probably aware that about 50% of marriages end in divorce. Once the glow of romance fades, couples, including those who were once madly in love, experience conflict, disappointment and even despair.

  • Some feel the disappointment so deeply that they decide to end the relationship.
  • Others pretend that everything is okay but settle for less than they ever desired.
  • Others try to sort things out and work through their issues.

We Long for Companionship

And yet, in spite of the challenges of building a happy relationship, it is natural for us to want to find a partner and settle into a life together. We don’t like being alone. We want someone with whom to share our life experiences.

As a matter-of-fact, 96% of people in our society today marry or come together as a couple during their lifetimes. And even among those who divorce, the great majority of them will eventually remarry.

If our desire for companionship is so deep, what goes wrong?

  • We lack good role models
  • We come into marriage ill-prepared
  • We have unrealistic expectations of marriage and our partners
  • And we have not learned the tools and skills to build a successful relationship

Vast Research on Happy Marriages

But the good news is that there is a vast body of research on happiness in marriage. We know what happy couples do and these practices can be learned. Here’s one quick example.

Your partner says, “What beautiful sunset.”

You can respond in one of three ways. You can turn towards your partner by saying something like, “Wow, it certainly is beautiful. Look at those pink hues reflecting off the clouds.” You can turn away from your partner by ignoring the comment or responding with indifference. Or you can turn against your partner by making a negative or even argumentative comment. “I don’t see what’s so special about it.” Or, “I can’t get anything done when you continually interrupt me.”

In happy marriages, partners turn towards each other 85% of the time. In unhappy marriages, partners turn away or against about 85% of the time. This means that you can improve your relationship by learning to recognize “bids” to talk and turning towards rather than against or away.

My name is Roger K. Allen. I’m a psychologist and have spent hundreds of hours not only researching best practices of happy and stable relationships but I’ve also counseled with dozens of couples just like you. And, now I’ve gathered the best lessons from my experience as well as a rather vast body of research on marriage and consolidated them into this course on building a happy and stable relationship.

In healthy marriages, partners are there for each other. You’re each accessible, attuned, and responsive to one another’s needs and feelings. This is what this course is about, helping you become more emotionally accessible, attuned and connected.

Take-Aways from the Course

  • Understand five stages of marital satisfaction including where you are and next steps in your journey
  • How to replace toxic patterns of interaction with actions that build unity
  • Greater respect, acceptance and love for your spouse
  • Practices to build positive feelings and friendship
  • Differences between women and men and how to better meet your spouse’s needs
  • Greater responsibility for your own feelings and needs
  • How to have more open and vulnerable communication
  • Skills to handle disagreements and conflict
  • The mindset and communication skills to have a great sexual relationship
  • A shared vision of the future. shared vision of the future

Your relationships more than any other factor, define your happiness and the quality of your life. And there is really no relationship that matters more than that with your life partner.

Who is This For?

  • Anyone who wants to improve their relationship skills
  • Couples who have been together for years
  • Couples just getting started
  • Couples who have a good relationship but want to go to the next level
  • Couples who are struggling
  • Singles and dating
  • Divorcees
  • Counselors and coaches who want to do more work with couples

Two Ways to Do the Program

There are two ways to go through the program. One is as a couple. It’s nice if you talk it over and decide to learn and practice together.

The other is as an individual. It’s common for one or the other spouse to feel a greater desire to improve their relationship and so the other option is to go through it on your own. Not only will you learn a ton but you’ll begin to realize how much one person can do to make your relationship better. As you change, your relationship will change and improve. Your spouse will likely notice and begin mirroring the changes you’re making, whether he or she goes through the program or not.

Course Outline

Section 1: Overview including resources and tips to get the most value from the course.

Section 2: The five stages of marital satisfaction. This is a roadmap to help you understand where you are and how to move forward. I’ll also talk about four toxic patterns of interacting that kill love and prevent you from achieving a loving relationship. And, I introduce the six habits of a healthy relationship. It is these habits that will guide the remainder of our journey.

Section 3: Self-responsibility. It’s hard to be a great partner if you don’t accept responsibility for yourself—your needs, feelings and behavior. We’ll talk about how to be accountable for your own emotional reactions and how to make positive choices when things go wrong.

Section 4: Honor your partner. Your partner is a unique person, distinct from you, someone who has the right to his or her own feelings, needs, thoughts, and choices. This section is about understanding your differences and appreciating your partner, becoming committed to their happiness as well your own.

Section 5: Friendship and unity. You are companions in this journey and the happiest couples nurture each other and know how to have fun together. A number of lessons in this section will include steps you can take to build a more satisfying sexual relationship.

Section 6: Connection and communication. We’ll explore different styles of communication and how to make it safe to talk openly about your needs, feelings and expectations and allow your spouse to do the same.

Section 7: Resolving conflict. You’ll learn the art of dialogue and a powerful three-step process to not only resolve disagreements but in a way that preserves your trust and goodwill.

Section 8: Shared vision. You’ll not only define your shared vision but create a marital coat of arms and put in place some structures or routines to help you achieve your vision.

Bonus Materials

The course includes lots of extras in the form of handouts and worksheets as well as exercises to deepen your learning and make it more real. You’ll have a chance to take periodic quizzes to see how well you’re learning. I’m also giving you an audio of the entire program so you can listen on the go.

And remember, not only can get this course for a great price, but Udemy will grant you a full refund within the first thirty days if you’re not satisfied.

Are you ready to make an investment in your most important relationship? Enroll now to learn state of the art, strategies, and skills to take your relationship to the next level.

Introduction

1
Introduction

This lecture is an overview of the course on creating a happy marriage and loving relationship. I offer some statistics about marriage, talk about the benefits of doing the course and offer an overview of the eight sections of the course.

2
Tips to Get the Most from the Course

I give you suggestions to get the most out of the course. The video is brief because I include a resource for those who want more information.

Stages of Marriage Satisfaction

1
Five Stages of Marriage Satisfaction

You'll learn the five stages through which relationships progress and what it means to achieve mature love.

2
Toxic Pattern #1: Escalation

Be able to recognize and overcome escalation and defensiveness in communication.

3
Toxic Pattern #2: Invalidation

Recognize the subtle and blatant ways in which we invalidate our spouses, the consequences and what we can do differently.

4
Toxic Pattern #3: Pursue and Withdraw

This is a subtle and common pattern in relationships in which women tend to bring up issues and men withdraw and stonewall. The dynamic becomes very harmful in the long run. I talk about ways to break this pattern.

5
Toxic Pattern #4: Negative Interpretations

The most subtle of the four toxic patterns, negative interpretations are hard to recognize. However, doing so is critical because long-term negative interpretations are very predictive of failure and divorce.

6
The Importance of Emotional Connection

Our need for love and connection is deep, not only in childhood but adulthood as well. I teach you the ARE concept from Sue Johnson-availability, responsiveness, and engagement. "Are you there for me?" is the essence of a great relationship.

7
Guidelines to Establish/Reestablish Positive Connection

I offer 8 ways to overcome toxic patterns and establish or reestablish positive connection in your relationship. These are concrete suggestions for communicating and building a loving relationship.

8
The Six Habits of a Great Marriage

From lots of research and study of the topic of marriage, including the latest research, I've boiled a great relationship down to six critical habits. I do an overview of these habits in this lecture.

9
Check Your Understanding 1

Habit 1: Self-Responsibility

1
Self-Responsibility in Marriage

This overview will give you insight into why self-responsibility is a foundation of a happy marriage. You'll learn how to build your relationship by taking responsibility for your needs, feelings, thoughts, and behavior. 

2
Responsibility to vs. Responsibility for

Learn the difference between responsibility "to" your spouse and responsibility "for" your spouse. You are responsible "to" but not "for."

3
Playing the Victim in My Marriage

I tell a personal story in which I fell into playing the victim with my wife. I'm not alone. See if you can recognize when you also feel like a victim in your relationship as well as the consequences of doing so.

4
Victim or Accountable?

I finish my story from the last lecture by sharing how I was able to change my victim mentality into personal accountability. Making this shift is incredibly empowering to ourselves and our marriages.

5
The Relationship in Your Head

A relationship is not really a "thing" or entity. You have a view of your relationship and your spouse has a view of your relationship. They are not the same. The starting point for improving your relationship is changing the relationship in your head.

6
Take Good Care of Yourself

It is so easy, particularly in the early stages of a relationship, to think that how we feel is the result of our partner. But this external focus sets us up to be disappointed and try to manipulate our partners to give us what we need. I teach you, through a personal example, that you have to be responsible for your needs and communicate these clearly. Don't expect your partner to read your mind or even always give you what you want.

7
Thou Shalt Not Take Offense

It is easy to take offense to what our partners say or do. This doesn't work, so in this lecture I teach you how to not take offense or to take responsibility and learn and grow when you do.

8
Emotional Self-Regulation

We want connection with our partners. We want them to soothe us and this need is valid. However, we also have to learn to sooth ourselves because our partners are not perfect and not always going to be there for us. I teach you a number of methods to regulate your emotions and soothe yourself when you're upset.

9
Emotional Self-Regulation: Thought Work

One of the most important ways you can learn to regulate your emotions and become more emotionally intelligent is by challenging your thinking. I give you lots of examples of how to do this.

10
Check Your Understanding 2

Habit 2: Honor Your Spouse

1
The Gift of Honor and Acceptance

Relationships work as you let go of an unrealistic image and expectations and accept your partner for who he or she is. I share some analogies to help you understand this concept.

2
Your Partner's Bill of Rights

Just like citizens of nations, your partner has certain rights which I describe in this lesson. Your ability to recognize and respect these rights will allow your partner the emotional freedom to be him or herself which will, in turn, benefit your relationship.

3
I-It vs. I-Thou

We can view each other as objects or as real human beings. As we learn to look more deeply at one another we will love one another more deeply. In this lesson, I teach you to not only look at but see your partner as a person with a rich inner live, worthy of you knowing and supporting.

4
Speak Your Partner's Love Language

Gary Chapman wrote a book on The Five Love Languages. In this lesson, I describe how these languages apply in marriage. We may love one another but fail to communicate this if we don't know how to speak our partner's love language. Your love will grow as you learn to speak one another's language.

5
Differences Between Men and Women

It is fun to learn about the differences between women and men. These differences are real and you'll get along much better by understanding them. Light bulbs will turn on as you realize many of your negative interpretations of your partner's behavior can be explained by these natural differences. 

6
Forgiveness: A Clearing Letter

Couples say and do things, intentionally or not, that hurt and cause resentment. Some of these are small and some really big. The purpose of this lesson is to help you let go of negative feelings towards your spouse. I take you through a process to recognize and the release these feelings and replace them with love and hope for a better future.

7
Check Your Understanding 3

Habit 3: Unity and Friendship

1
The Friendship Stage of Marriage

John Gottman has studied thousands of couples by inviting them into weekend "labs" in which all of their interactions are recorded and later studied. From this research, he has learned that the most important factor in a successful relationship is positive feelings or friendship. This is more important than communication. You can even communicate poorly but if your overall feelings towards one another are positive then you'll weather the storms of marriage.

2
Get to Know Your Partner

Happy couples know each other well. They spend lots of time talking. Some of this is daily communicating about their day. And some comes from deeper exploration of one another's past or inner world. In this lesson, I teach you to be curious and ask questions that help you get to know one another and thereby love one another profoundly.

3
Nurture Admiration

The happiest couples admire and like each other. Sometimes we lose this after living together. But it can be reclaimed. I teach you four methods for nurturing greater admiration. The purpose is to help you like each other as you probably did when you first met.

4
Turn Towards

We often think that relationships turn on big events, but daily mundane interactions say a lot about the quality of your relationship. In this lesson, I teach you three ways of responding to one another's "bids" for interaction. You can turn against, away or towards. 80% of couples in happy marriages turn towards each other. You can improve your marriage by learning being more aware of "bids" and responding in a positive way.

5
Caring Days

Caring Days are actions you can take, daily, to build friendship or restore feelings of love and goodwill. I help you understand the concept, including examples, and then give you a process for making this part of your marriage.

6
Fun and Recreation

Research shows that the happiest couples have fun together. And all couples can increase their fun through recreation and doing activities that you both enjoy. I teach you what qualifies as a fun and play and give you a process for coming up with ideas to engage in fun on a regular basis.

7
Sexuality and Romance

Sex is an important part of a healthy relationship. And for most couples, great sex isn't something that takes a few minutes at 11:00 at night but starts with romancing each other by being thoughtful and using non-sexual touch to keep the embers of love burning most all the time.

8
Get Your Head Right about Sex

Sex is a natural desire but also something that has lots of negative or conflicting connotations. Sexuality is not purely physical but starts in the head. In this lesson, I help you examine your beliefs about sex. I present some of the myths of sex and encourage you to make sure your beliefs and thinking support you in a great sex life.

9
Exploratory Conversations about Sex

Most couples who have great sex talk about their sexual relationship. It is opposite for couples who have a poor sex life. So, in this lesson, I teach you some principles and a process for having healthy conversations about your sexual relationship.

10
Intimacy Conversations During Sex

A lot of couples treat the act of sex as quiet time but it is actually helpful to talk during love-making. I offer you some tips for doing so during this lesson.

11
Check Your Understanding 4

Habit 4: Connection and Communication

1
Communication: Growth into Mature Love

We communicate all the time. In fact, we cannot not communicate. However, in this lesson, I explore communication as a pathway to mature love. The root of the word means to "communion." It is heart-to-heart or soul-to-soul. I talk about the importance of communicating in a way that builds deeper intimacy and connection. 

2
Four Styles of Commuication

In this lesson, I present two dimensions of communication--concern for self and concern for other. Good communication is high on both of these dimensions. However, most of emphasize one or the other dimension. Some of us are dominators, some accommodators and some avoiders. Although these three styles work fine in many day-to-day interactions, they break down when topics become more sensitive and intimate. It is then that we need to use a collaborative style of communication.

3
Five Patterns of Communication

I present five common patterns of interaction based on the four styles of communication. It's helpful to recognize these patterns in your relationship so you can know when to shift to a different and more helpful pattern as emotions are aroused and you enter into conflict.

4
Becoming Vulnerable

In this lesson, I talk about the importance of being vulnerable in our communication. We don't want to be hurt and so avoid communicating vulnerably, thinking we have to put on a strong exterior. But this keeps us from deeper intimacy. I help you understand what is means to communicate in a more vulnerable way.

5
Vulnerable Listening

It often takes great vulnerability to listen well. You might hear your partner say something you don't want to hear and so it's easy to react emotionally. But if you can be open and vulnerable as you listen, you're communication is going to go deeper to a place in which you can be more available, responsive and attuned to one another.

6
How to Listen

Listening is such an important skill in marriage that I want to give you some tips in how to be a better listener. In this lesson, I talk about our natural responses that prevent good listening and then offer several guidelines to make you a better listener.

Habit 5: Resolving Conflict

1
The Conflict Model

After completing this lesson, you'll understand two pathways you can travel during conflict, one which leads to bad outcomes and the other to good. This awareness and understanding from our lessons on communication will help you know how to choose the better pathway. You'll also be able to test your assumptions to know if they are based on trust or fear. Your assumptions will determine which path you tread.

2
Steps to Resolve Conflict

I do an overview of the three steps to resolve conflicts or disagreements in your marriage. Understanding these steps will give you skills to turn potentially negative conversations into constructive conversations.

3
Step One: Start with Respect

I give you a number of tools to begin your conversations about sensitive topics in a positive way, so you can move towards mutual understanding and resolution. Conversations that start well end well 96% of the time.

4
Step Two: Create a Pool of Shared Understanding

This step is the heart of resolving conflict. It is about learning to disclose your point of view and also listen to the point of view of your partner. You'll come away knowing how to keep conversations on track as you deal with real issues in a safe way for both of you.

5
Example of Creating a Pool of Shared Understanding

I give you a real-life example of creating a pool of shared understanding from my marriage. My wife and I could have become polarized from each other but, using the tools I'm teaching, we developed a mutual understanding of each other's point of view. You'll follow our dialogue to understand how to do this.

6
Step Three: Search for Solutions

In this lecture, I teach you the final step of resolving conflicts. I take you through the three keys to finding solutions that you can both agree upon and which feel like a win to each of you.

7
Check Your Understanding 5

The purpose of this quiz is to see how well you understand the basics of good communication and conflict resolution.

Habit 6: Shared Vision

1
Introduction to Shared Vision

Like any aspect of life, the clearer your vision, the more you will achieve. You'll come away from this lesson understanding the importance of a shared vision and steps you'll go through to achieve it.

2
Co-Creating a Shared Vision

I teach you the process for creating your shared vision. I talk about the steps and leave you with an exercise to make it happen in your relationship.

3
Creating Marriage Enrichment Structures

Structures are anything you put in place to enable you to take positive action. I teach you about different kinds of structures and invite you to consider and improve the structures in your marriage.

4
Three Marriage Rituals

In this lesson, I teach you three rituals (forms of structure) to enrich your marriage. I talk about guidelines and also give you and agenda for holding weekly Powwows and well as Quarterly Relationship Building Retreats.

5
Marital Coat of Arms

A coat of arms is a way to ground your marriage in powerful images and symbols that will sustain you over time. I teach you what goes into a coat of arms as well as how to develop it together. Working on your coat of arms will deepen your roots and make you stronger and move devoted to your marriage.

6
Conclusion

This is a critical time as you come to the end of the course. It is easy to put learning aside. But I look at this as the beginning and offer you eight suggestions to enable you to continue to learn and grow and practice the lessons from this course.

7
Bonus Lecture

If you liked this program, here are other programs I offer and ways to follow me and stay connected.

8
Resources to Strengthen Your Marriage
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